Giving Someone a Chance Who is Off the "List"

So I know that all of us ladies have "the list". You know, the list that you've always held to while dating. The list that shows what you want in a mate and what you don't want in a mate. Well, my list has a lot of your typical things I'd say: no smoking, college graduate, smart, kind, funny, handsome, tall, not over 40 years-old, and a few more items. On the "never date" section of my list is also pretty common: don't date guys with kids, divorce`s, men who have been to jail, and men that have gold teeth. These are my normal deal-breakers. I admit, it's hard to find someone perfect, and actually impossible because no one, even myself, is perfect. Yet we still cling to that list with a tight grip, doing our  best to find someone who meets the standard of the list. Well, I'm here to tell you, I have dated my "ideal" mate based on my list. I've actually dated my "Mr. Perfect-on-Paper" in the form of three different men, and I'm here to tell you not one of them was for me! There was something wrong with all of them. As "perfect" as they seemed, and as many checks as they had on my list, none of them was for me. Unfortunately, all of these men possessed certain qualities that were not on the list, which were very important factors that can't be ignored. The traits these men had that I did not want included personality flaws, social ineptness, selfish behavior, flakiness, and just plain jerks. As many great characteristics as these guys had that attracted me to them, being made to feel like garbage was definitely not on the list and was definitely not perfect. None of these relationships worked out, and at the beginning of all them, I remember being so excited because I thought I had finally found "the one." But that joyous feeling quickly disappeared.

So here, I am finally knowing that no one is perfect because I've met my "perfect-on-paper" and none of them were perfect. So where does that leave me now? I had a conversation with two of my cousins a few years ago, which I still remember vividly. The subject of my love life came up in the conversation, as it often does with my family, and at the time I had just had another failed attempt at love. I told them that God always gives me what I ask for and yet it never works out. I went into detail recapping the trials of my adventures in romance, recounting how when one guy I'd date didn't work out because he was missing one thing, I'd think that the next guy would have to have all of the great things about the last man plus the the missing thing. As hard as it is to believe, almost immediately after I'd put this request into the atmosphere, God would send me the man I asked for, but with a new "flaw" that I wasn't expecting. The cycle repeated itself often, over the course of a 2-year period. My cousins listened to my story and blew my mind with what they said. One of them told me, "obviously, God is showing you that who you think you want may not be who is actually good for you or who you need to be with." That simple sentence has haunted me ever since. When I heard my cousin say this, it frustrated me. I thought, how could this be possible, that doesn't make any sense. But she definitely had a point.

Well this brings me to today. I recently met a man while doing some volunteer work for the "30 before 30" list that I'm doing. The man seemed nice and was reasonably attractive. He worked for the organization that I was volunteering with and I was around him for most of the morning that I was there that Saturday morning. Although he didn't look it, he was over forty and a bigger guy than I normally talk to. When I was about to leave from my volunteer shift, he asked me for my phone number to which I obliged. We communicated for a couple days and then we went out on a date a few days after meeting, movie and dinner afterwards. The date was good, until we got to the second part of the date, the dinner. While at dinner, I realized that the man had two gold teeth that I hadn't noticed before. It shocked me! I bluntly told him that had I seen those when we met I would not have given him my number, which is very true. He then started telling me about his past, which wasn't the "prettiest" resume... Let's just say that he met a lot of the qualities that are on my "never date" list. I even lost my appetite while he was talking to me, I felt so disappointed. However, there was still something about him that seemed genuine, and intriguing. There was something that I couldn't put my finger on about him. As hard as it is to not judge someone, I tried my hardest not to judge this man. He even pleaded me not to judge him based on his past until I got to know him. I agreed. We're still talking and we'll see where this goes. It's still very new but so far things are going well. And even if things don't work out with this gentleman, I know that God will have a lesson for me from the experience anyway.

All I keep thinking about is the message that my cousin gave me in that conversation so long ago. I keep wondering if this is what she was talking about, if this man is who God wants me to be with right now. He's far from the typical guy that I would normally date, and yet there are things about him that hopefully will be better than the imperfectly "perfect" men that I dated before. It's still insane to me the fact that I was a few feet away from this man that Saturday morning I was volunteering and never even noticed his golds! God clearly didn't want me to see them because He knew I wouldn't give him a chance if I had. So we'll see where this new chapter goes. I'm setting no expectations and just enjoying the moment as it happens. But let this be a lesson to anyone who's still trying to "white-knuckle" grip their Mr./Ms. Perfect list, don't do it! Someone fantastic for you might be out there who you're not even giving a chance.

Happy Inauguration Day!

What a great Inauguration Day this has been. Also, what a great Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day this has been as well! The Inauguration was excellent. President Obama's speech was excellent. Michelle, Malia, and Sasha looked beautiful. Kelly Clarkson sung amazingly well! Truly a great day overall. I wish I was there to have witnessed the event in person. I dropped the ball.

I don't know what the next 4 years holds for President Obama or the country in general, but I am proud of what he was able to achieve in his first term. Hopefully, over his next term, Congress will be more open to the idea of compromise, because the division in Washington is hurting the rest of us, over nothing more than foolish pride. I love that President Obama requested to be sworn in for his second term with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s bible. That speaks volumes to me of the respect and admiration that President Obama must have for Dr. King and his legacy.

I also have to acknowledge how good it was to see Myrlie Evers-Williams give the invocation at the Inauguration. It was good to see a figure of the Civil Rights Movement involved in such a prominent way. It makes me remember the efforts of her husband, Medgar Evers whose life was taken while fighting for the rights for myself and all of us.

The symbolism of all of these events taking place on Dr. King Day is extremely significant. I don't know what Dr. King would think of our country and where we have come, much less his thoughts on the younger generation of African-Americans in this country. Have we dropped the ball on what our predecessors fought so hard for? Are we hopeless on ever getting further than where we are today? Does the younger generation even care anymore? Is this the dream that Dr. King stated he had in Washington D.C. so many decades ago? Although we have come a long way since the 1960s Civil Rights Movement, we still have a long way to go for racial equality in this country. Racism is still alive and well. There are still people who don't understand or even like the fact that Dr. King birthday is a national holiday. My response to them is that if you don't find the efforts of Dr. King significant, nor like the fact that Black and White people in this country have equal rights and can work and go to school together, then maybe you should go to work today and be miserable there doing all of your work and my load too! Let freedom ring! *Drops the mic and walks off the stage*

A Letter to Grandpa Warren

Dear Grandpa Warren,
I'm sorry that our relationship was what it was, and that I didn't have a better relationship with you while you were still  living. The fact that you didn't know my name although I'd visit you every Christmas still seems strange to me, but it was what it was. I was genuinely saddened to hear of your passing. I surprised myself with how much I cried when I found out the sad news, and then again at your funeral. Even though we were not close at all, I still felt like we had some sort of connection. You were my birthday buddy. We share the same birthday. I remember finding it to be so odd and unique to share the same birthday as someone else so closely related to me, while still being so very distant from me. It was baffling to me. I remember one year on our birthday when I was young, you called my dad while I was sitting at the dining room table eating breakfast. Apparently you called to make a joke or reference to it being your birthday. My dad cursed you out because it was my birthday also, and I think he felt frustrated with the fact that you had no interest or idea of this. It was quite awkward. My dad openly told me when I was older that he slightly resented me because of the birthday that you and I share. He told me that I was like you and, of course he was saying that as a negative thing. I was somewhat cursed from the beginning of my life in the eyes of my father because of this. He loves me and I think at times, he even likes me, but there is still definitely a stigma there because of our birthday. Aside from that, my dad would never necessarily bad-mouth you per say, but it was undeniable that he had "daddy issues." I can't deny that it was always somewhat awkward for me to visit you every year. My dad understood this and asked us this recent Christmas (2012) if we wanted to visit you in the nursing home or not. To his surprise, and slight inconvenience, I said that I wanted to see you. He planned on seeing you by himself while leaving, me, my mom, and my sister at my grandmother's house. He asked me why I wanted to see you and I simply replied that it may be your last Christmas. That was all that had to be said. I wish that I had been wrong...

As I stood there in your room at the nursing home, I looked at you. You didn't seem your usual self. You could barely move and were lying in the bed. Your face was very thin and your arms lacked muscle tone and had a lot of loose skin. Your cough sounded terrible and your speech was very slurred. I didn't like seeing you like that. As I stood there, I realized that rather than think of you as someone estranged and negative, I decided while standing there that I wanted to change my outlook on you and our relationship. I thought to myself that you can't be that bad because we have the same birthday, and I don't think of myself as a bad person, so therefore you can't be that bad either. I also decided that I would choose to think of you as my grandmother must have thought of you a long time ago when you two were in love before things became sour between you both. I said to myself that at one time, she chose you to be her husband and father of her children, so you couldn't have been that bad. That's how I decided to view you. I had no idea that three days later you would take your last breath.

I pray that you found peace with your life in your final days on earth. I also pray that God finds mercy on your soul and that you made it to heaven. After your funeral, my dad finally told me some stories about you that I had never heard before. He told me that you were a "company man" who was a hard worker for the railroad and was very loyal to your company. The story that he told me about you proved that you were a man of integrity and a man of your word. To most people hearing that their grandfather had been in jail at one point in life, is upsetting news. However, once my dad told me this and told me the story behind the cause of your imprisonment, it actually made me like and respect you more. You did what you felt you had to do to protect you and your wife at the time and I can't be mad at that. It made me proud of you to know that like myself, you were a hard worker and a dedicated employee. It also made me proud to know that like myself, you were an honest man who treated your word with value. It made me like you when I learned that you gave warnings, like I do, when someone is antagonizing you before flying off the handle. It made me feel closer to you to hear these stories. It made me feel sad to know that now that I know these things about you, it's too late for me respond to you differently during our annual visits. Being told by my father that you and I were similar and both selfish people was always used as an insult towards me, but now, I kind of feel like I know the good ways that we were similar and I don't feel so insulted anymore. I know that you made mistakes, as all people do, and I can't judge you for that. Through subtle ways, I was told that you treated my grandmother poorly which of course is hard for me to dismiss because Grandma Ruth was one of my most favorite people in life, but now I know that you weren't all bad. And that me and my birthday buddy did share some good qualities too. We're not all that bad, huh Grandpa Warren. Thank you for the college graduation gift, by the way. That created quite a stir in the family at the time... I don't know what you thought of me. We both really didn't know each other well enough to really have opinions of one another. But just so you know, I appreciate you for what you were, which was the father of my father, and I do respect you. Rest in peace Grandpa Warren. Maybe I'll see you again one day, and we'll make our relationship right at that time.

Warren Foster March 10, 1924 - December 28, 2012.

New Year, New Attitude.

Happy New Year! For some crazy reason, I'm feeling very positive and optimistic about 2013! I don't know why, but I feel like good things are coming. Instead of doing resolutions this year, I plan to make new short-term and long-term goals for myself, and keep a positive attitude. One goal on the list is that I definitely need to live a healthier lifestyle, both physically and mentally and I plan to make steps to achieve that. I'm turning the big 3-0 this year and I'll admit that there a lot of things that I always planned to have done by this age that haven't happened yet. It's caused me to be somewhat stagnant rather than strive to progress myself further. There are so many things that happen in our lives that aren't in our control. Why dwell on those things and let them steal your joy, right? That's why I have the goal to maintain a positive attitude, no matter how things turn out in "Twenty Thirteen". I also plan to set clear, achievable, yet challenging goals to further myself along. Truth be told, I've really gotten out of the habit of setting goals for myself, which is sad. We have to keep pushing ourselves further. Success doesn't happen overnight. It takes time, planning, work, perseverance  and a positive outlook. The business of goal-setting is a tricky one. Sometimes when we set goals for ourselves, and they don't work out as we had hoped, it can lead us to beat ourselves up (which I have done a lot of...), but no more! I'm moving on and I feel really good about it. If plan A didn't work as you had hoped, then make a plan B, C, etc. There's nothing wrong with that. And never give up on your dream, no matter how distant it may seem or how big it may be. In the words of the always-colorful Jesse Jackson, "keep hope alive!"

I think that part of what has caused this sudden optimism in me is the fact that I have been doing a 30 before 30 list. It's been refreshing to plan, schedule, and do things that I've always wanted to do but never tried. I started my list rather late in the game so I'm giving myself til the end of 2013 to complete the list, which also helps keep the stress down of not making it by my actual birthday (which is in a couple of months).

Setting small goals is a good way to work your way up to the bigger goals, and also helps build up your confidence towards achieving those bigger goals as well. Remember, don't dwell on how things turned out in the past, or how things are at the present moment. Instead, think about where you're going and where you hope to be in the future. Imagine yourself there at the finish line, rather than focus on where you are now. Also, NO PITY PARTIES! Like my favorite quote from the movie, "Beasts of the Southern Wild", remember "nobody likes a pity-party-having-ass woman!" And it's true! People don't! On that note, I leave you with well wishes, hopes, and dreams for 2013! Strive to be the best person that you can be, for yourself and no one else! It's about you and this is your life. We only get one shot at this, so make it count!

Testimony 12/22/12

i don't usually do this but i have to give this testimony: so yesterday morning, my day started as usual with going outside in the cold, warming my car up a little, then driving to work. when i got in the parking lot, kind of earlier than usual, i parked in a premium close spot and i decided to go into the building early. i dug all in my purse and couldn't find my work id/security key at all, which is highly irregular for me because every day i put it in my purse as soon as i get home. every day. always. so it became apparent to me, i had left it at home. so i say, "no biggie, i'll just move my car to the front of the building to get a temporary id." i go to start my car and it won't start! mind you, this is all of about 2 minutes after i parked and i haven't had any car troubles with this car ever. so i'm freaked out. the lights come on but it doesn't start, so i figure it can't be the battery, it has to be something bigger and more expensive to fix. here's where it gets good.

so, yesterday at work i was scheduled for a kind of more-laid back day than usual, so i had time to call AAA to have their roadside assistance come to my car to assess the problem. i called them at 3:50 and i got off work at 4:20. at 4:08, AAA called me to say that they were 15 minutes away from me. at exactly 4:20, AAA calls me again from my parking lot saying that he is right next to my car and to come on down. i get down there and i'm nervous about what is going to be said. when it was all said and done, the problem was that my 4 year-old, original manufacture battery basically did not have enough juice in it to start the car. of all the problems that it could have been, the starter, the alternator, something else, it was the cheapest thing to get fixed. and yes, i replaced it yesterday.

God spoke to me in ways that I could understand. He purposely made me leave my id badge at home so that when i got to work, i'd have to try to start my car at the beginning of my "abnormally" easier workday, rather than find out it wasn't going to start after i got off work and then have to wait that much longer to have AAA come to fix it. He knows how much i care about attendance and punctuality, so he made sure that my car started yesterday morning and got me to work with no problem. He made the car not start at my job, which is conveniently close to 2 highways, to make it easier for AAA to find my location. He blessed me by getting me to work early enough to get a prime parking spot so that AAA would have no problem finding my car without me having to go downstairs to show them where it was. i was told when i got my last oil change in November, that i needed to start looking at getting a new car battery and that it wasn't going to die in the next week or so but that it was something to put on my to-do list. God knows me. He knows that i procrastinate and put off doing most things related to my car, so he intentionally made yesterday bitterly cold so that it would affect my battery as a way to show me, "uh Caprice, you need to get it together and get a new battery for that car, because the winter is coming and it's going to go dead again." God is so awesome to me! i could have had a bad attitude about my day starting off "badly", leaving my work badge at home, car not starting, but no, i chose to be positive. i spoke and smiled at people i passed by. when people asked me how i was, i said "i'm good," and meant it. i was in a good mood and tried not to worry about the situation. God is so good and i'm thankful and blessed to have Him and blessed to be His!

Book Review: "Happiness at Work" by Dr. Srikumar S. Rao

I bought this book during the Borders going out of business sale. I had no idea about this book at the time when I bought it. I just thought it may help me be more satisfied with the job that I was working at the time. I didn't start reading the book until a few weeks ago. I have to say that this was one of the best purchases I've ever made! This book isn't just for people looking for happiness in their careers and work environments. The exercises and insights given in this book will translate and help anyone achieve personal happiness in their life in general. The book is a quick and simple read using lots of good real-life examples, however the actual exercises that the reader is to put into practice throughout the book can sometimes be very difficult and challenging to undertake. This book gives a different perspective to changing our outlooks on life. Just a few of Dr. Rao's themes examine the ideas of not just looking at a situation as being good or bad, not being "me-centered" in our lives, finding satisfaction in helping others, not using a typical "if-then" philosophy on being happy if something were to happen, and not holding ourselves too rigid to achieving our goals by finding value in the process rather than concentrating on the outcome of the goal we achieve. It truly is a great book and a good alternative to other self-help methods including the popular "name it and claim it" strategy. I highly recommend this book!

To forgive or not to forgive? That is the question...

Throughout my lifetime, I have had various circumstances in which various individuals have aggravated, annoyed, and occasionally have even done things that have tarnished my relationship with them.  I've always been pretty good about forgiving these individuals, giving them several chances to get it right.  However, that being said I never, EVER forget. I would not say that I hold grudges really. I just don't forget what has happened in the past and understand that history often repeats itself. Similarly, I also understand that people typically don't change, and that you can't change someone. I remember at a very young age, I remember watching a movie or a talk show like Ricki Lake, Sally Jesse Raphael or something to that affect, and hearing someone on the show/movie being told that you can't change someone. From that early age, it has always stuck with me that you can't change people.  Throughout my own trials and triumphs, I have learned that people typically don't change much.  People can try to change and make effort to change, but typically we as people don't change much.  Ideally people mature and grow, but we all have the same basic mindset, habits, faults, and characteristics.  As my father has told me, all we really can do is accept people for who they are and expect people to be "themselves".  All of this leads me to this: knowing that people don't really change much and that history repeats itself with certain people, at what point do you forgive someone for their transgressions, ways, shortcomings, and at what point do you walk away and count your losses?

Now, of course there are circumstances when you need to walk away from someone. Case in point if someone is being mentally, verbally, and physically abused, then yes, they need to move on.  But what if it's not those things?  What if you've reluctantly given someone chance after chance to do better, and every time has been like a broken record, skipping back to the same problem/issue time and time again? And this person keeps coming back, sincerely apologizing, saying that things will be different, while you know it will inevitably result in the same situation as before.  Do you forgive this person, or do you finally say enough is enough?  The adage comes to mind, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me." And in some cases, "fool me three times, I'm a fool!"  I am not a fool, but per that theory, sadly I could be classified as a fool I guess (how dreadful!).

I am working on being a better Christian. One of the ways I’m trying to do this is I’m trying to practice forgiveness. God forgives us innumerable amounts of times.  We get innumerable chances to get it right and we still mess up, and yet He still forgives and accepts us in spite of.   It’s not fair for me to receive so much forgiveness and so many “second” chances from God, and yet I’m unwilling to forgive others.  I’m working on this, but I don’t know when enough is enough, and at what point do you move on and count your losses? Color me confused!  

I'm sure it comes down to the individual, the circumstance, the issue, and how many times this has happened.  Also, being shown this person's track record kind of gives you a leg up on knowing what to expect in the future, this way you can be prepared emotionally if/when the issue occurs again.  Forgiveness is a powerful and sometimes a hard thing to do, but holding grudges is not the key to happiness and emotional freedom.  In the end, it's good to forgive others for our own peace of mind.  And everyone deserves a second chance... right?