As a single woman in her 30s, I get a variety of feedback, opinions, and advice on my current marital status. While in my late 20s, I found myself receiving unsolicited opinions from older women acting like my life would be over if I didn't get a husband before I turned 30. At my previous job, one customer, who may have been in her 70s, repeatedly said "I'ma pray for you," while shaking her head like all hope was gone for me, when she found out that I was unmarried and approaching age 30. She wasn't the only one who was giving such commentary on the matter. One thing I have noticed which is surprising, is that now at age 32, the older women who were telling me before age 30 to get married, are now telling me "you know, you don't have to get married to have children..." That comment is even more hurtful to me! Yes, it's true that women can choose to have children without a husband and they make it work, which is great! But, I still have that hope and goal of being married before having children. I came from a two-parent household, and I saw how difficult it was for my parents to schedule things around me and my sister's schedules, so I'd like to have a husband to help me raise my children. I want my husband to be my children's father. No baby daddy's over here please!
Facebook and social media also don't help. My timeline and news feed is filled all year-round with announcements and pictures of weddings and engagements. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy and excited for all of my friends and loved ones getting married, but when it seems like the whole world is attacking me for not being married, it can be a constant reminder of what I don't have.
Despite these frequent moments of peer pressure that I face, I have also gotten advice from various married women and women with children who have a different point of view on my situation. These women say things like "enjoy your life while you are unattached." They tell me how lucky I am to be able to do everything I do on my own terms. It's true, I don't have to answer to anyone about anything that I do. I live on my own. I eat what I want to eat. I go out when I want to go out. I spend my money how I want to spend it. Those are things that my married friends are not as easily able to do. A few years ago, I was telling a co-worker about how I was decorating my apartment. She was 40 years old at the time and had been married since right after she graduated from college in her early 20s. She knew how much I wanted to be married but told me "you have no idea how lucky you are that you get to decorate your own place." She went on to tell me how in her whole life, she had never done that because she moved from home to college, then from her college dorm to an apartment with her husband. She truly felt like she had missed something in her life because of not living on her own.
So rather than sit and mope and ask "why me" related to my singlehood, I have chosen to embrace it and instead find the joys out of being single. And contrary to people's beliefs, there are joys to being single.
1. You can do what you want, when you want, and how you want.
I truly answer to no one about anything I do. When I get up. When I leave home, What time I return home. How much money I spend, and how I spend it. I don't have to consult with anyone about how much I spent on my last shopping binge, because it's my money. It's a great feeling! And as much as I'd like to one day have someone to share my life with, it's great right now not being beholden or accountable to anyone.
2. There's always great opportunity to meet someone new.
Dating can be a nightmare and a challenge, but it can also be a lot of fun. The process of getting to know someone new who may be a potential mate can be wonderful. Going out on dates with someone you like, who makes you feel optimistic of the future is great! And of course, going on a date with someone who may not be "the one" is still be an opportunity to get out of the house and have a free meal at least. *shoulder shrug* So you might as well enjoy it.
3. Use your time being single to do self-analysis.
Just because you're single, doesn't mean that you are necessarily looking. It's a good idea from time to time to take a step back and look at your life and reevaluate what you are looking for in life, in your career, or in a mate. Existentialism is important so that we all can grow as humans and achieve our highest potential in life. Even though I have always had a mental list of all of the qualities that I am seeking in a mate, I have learned that it is a good idea to use my time being single to "re-learn" myself in order to identify what it is that I actually want. I am not the same person that I was in high school, in college, or in my mid-twenties. I have grown and have gotten wiser. While being unattached, I have found that I have more mental clarity and available time in order to make new goals for myself and make new plans for my future. In other words, use your "downtime" wisely, rather than focus all of your free time and attention on finding someone.
4. Take care of yourself.
The term "letting yourself go" is a four-letter-word. It's easy for us to sit back and not take care of ourselves while being single. When you don't have someone to "impress" or "keep yourself up for", it can be easy to come home every day and veg out. Trust me, I understand completely. However, we shouldn't do that. We should use our "downtime" when not in a relationship to make healthy choices and be active. I can tell you first hand that when I've been in a serious long-term relationship, I have gained weight. The time that I had been using to go to the gym, was now being spent going on dates, eating, and then lounging around. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that people need to be thin. I'm simply saying that we all need to be our best selves whether that be a size 2 or a size 22. I am far from skinny and I love having curves, but I need to get back in shape. And this is not so that I can attract a man (although it can't hurt). It's because I feel better about myself when I am in better shape. It helps my self-esteem and self-confidence, not to mention it will help my health in the long run. And taking care of yourself also means mentally, as well as physically. It has been proven that men are most attracted to a woman's confidence. If we don't love ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to love us?
5. Enjoy your life!!!
I recently had a deep conversation with my parents about my being unmarried and how bad it makes me feel that my parents are not grandparents yet, while all of their friends and contemporaries are, in some cases, grandparents and even great-grandparents. My father told me, "you make sure that you're enjoying your life even more so since you don't have children or a husband." He told me to "do it big" and said to make it my personal mission to have the most fun and have the most experiences in my life as possible because I'm single and have no children. It was honestly the BEST advice that man has ever given to me. I love to think outside of the box and try new experiences. This just gives me more motivation to do so! I'm taking his advice and am currently planning a trip overseas for the next year.
So there you have it ladies. Forget the haters in society or in your family or at work telling you that you need to be married and that something is wrong with you if you are single. There is nothing wrong with you. You are awesome! So the next time that you're in the club and Beyonce's "Single Ladies" comes on the speakers, get out there, put your hand up, and dance! Enjoy it! And when it's time to catch the bouquet at the next wedding you attend, hold your head up high and get out there! Enjoy yourself! You never know what God has in store for you. It could be a husband, a child, a mansion, a CEO position, a music contract, an acting career, or so much more. We only have so much time on this earth, and only so much time with no aches and pains, so make the most of it! If you are in your 20s, you're very young so enjoy your life! If you're in your 30s, you're very young so enjoy your life! If you're in your 40s, you're still young so enjoy your life! If you're in 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, enjoy your life! As long as you have breath, it's not too late to change your life and enjoy it!
